Abandoning it then entirely to her management, she made use of it as she thought proper, to procure herself rather the shadow than the substance of any pleasure. For my part, I now pined for more solid food, and promised tacitly to myself that I would not be put off much longer with this foolery of woman to woman, of Mrs. Brown did not soon provide me with the essential specific. In short, I had all the air of not being able to wait the arrival of my lord B——, though he was now expected in a very fews days: nor did I wait for him, for love itself took charge of the disposal of me, in spite of interest, or gross lust.It was now two days after the closet scene, that I got up about six in the morning, and leaving my bedfellow fast asleep, stole down, with no other thought than of taking a little fresh air in a small garden, which our back parlour opened into, and from which my confinement debarred me, at the times company came to my house; but now sleep and silence reigned all over it.I. I gave it. With the understanding that I was not promising to not do it and that I expected to discuss the pro’s and con’s I.E. a fair hearing. He agreed.I asked my other friend if I called him the day of to say goodbye would he try any stupid shit like calling the police or would he respect my decision? I told him I knew he would try to talk me out of it, but if he realized I had made a final decision would he respect it? He said he would respect it. I trust him as he’s never lied to me. I was wiped out by the time the day was over but I had a plan put together.A nice meal of beef stew w/ some Italian bread. A good German beer w/ about 30 of my sedatives and 15 of my blood pressure pills would do the trick. A warm blanky and a pillow under a tree overlooking a stream in the woods. My clan banner hanging from the tree. Appropriate documents in my pockets. My face painted in one of the masks I used as a Shaman. What more could I ask? Oh, I almost forgot: a pack of Camels. Go to sleep.
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